This eye-opening Journey had since changed my attitude & approach toward the remaining of my existing life-journey. I really appreciated with blessing that I had the golden opportunity to take part in my first-ever 2 weeks Vipassana Meditation Retreat Course near the foot of the famous Mount Kinabalu, a place called Kundasang in Sabah State of Eastern Malaysia prior migrating to Singapore once upon a time. This place is indeed a very nice, cool with fresh air & also quiet & peaceful environment for any retreat of relaxation. Today, perhaps you will easily locate a Zen Garden around that area. This spot & its surroundings such like National Park perhaps are best to be described as the land below the wind in South East Asia.
Vipassana Meditation Retreat Courses have actually been opening to all walks of people or life who are interested regardless races, religions & background as long as one keeps the rules of the retreat's organisation. It was a journey to look & explore inwardly within ownself & it is simply "don't just believe but just come & see & taste it yourself " of the very down-to-earth practical, penetrative & insightful direct personal experience.The Meditation Schedule was indeed very tight beginning very early in morning well before dawn till the very late night of the day. For every sitting meditation of one hour, immediately following with an hour walking meditation to balance the mind & body system. 2 meals were being served with options of vegetarian & non-vegetarian serving before noon. After a few days of gradually settling down, I felt comfortably quiet, slow, calm, steady & peaceful despite few yogis sharing together in a room with double decker-beds perhaps partly also due to my hearing impair. My monkey mind was not so easily wandering around by then. Time really flied & it did seem pretty short or brief whenever I was very mindful during my meditation sessions, be it sitting or walking meditation. Walking meditation did help a lot for good sitting meditation. However, there were many occasions, I was distracted & lost my momentum of mindfulness or awareness & had to re-start afresh every now & then.
On walking meditation, there are few stages that could be noted succesively such like taking off, lifting, forwarding or swinging, pushing or pulling, dropping or landing & pressing etc. On many occasions, when I was sitting meditation while watching the breathing in & breathing out (rising & falling of abdomen as primary object to be mindfully noted or observed) phenomena, there were many sensations such as pain, itching, hot or cold, tension, numbness, hardness or softness, vibrations, pulling, pushing etc etc & some were real funny phenomena to express in words. Always toward the very end of breathing-out's stroke, it usually got the tightness or squeezing feeling of phenomena, sometime with successive vibrations too. There seemed to be many things or phenomena within a single stroke of either rising or falling of the belly.
On one very particular ocassion, toward the ultimate end of an breathing out (falling) stroke, a few like kinda sorts of clear lumineous fire-flies of round or circular shapes bubbles sprung out or popping out one after another out of blue right in front of my mind-eye's screen (at the middle part of both eyebrows) though my physical eyes remained closed! Fantastic! It began from the left hand side of the eye-mind screen popping out so fast toward to the right hand side on the screen immediately following one after another. It popped out, stayed for a while in the mind-eye's screen till there were few numbers something like 6 or 7 bubbles! It was a continuity stream of similar sorts of luminous & moving or alive bubbles one after another, very much like the fire-flies, & their existence remained separately with a gap with each other as well as independently with each other. They were also sorts of alive like microbiology similar form observing under a microscope. It was so clear & sharp happening right in front of me though they lasted only just flash of a moment! So fast so sudden indeed! This was what & how I first ever learning about such a thing called 'mind-eye' in our human being system!
My instructor asked me did I know or understand what it was? I said, "no, no idea at all". He somehow simply responsed that it was the nature's characteristic behaviour or phenomena. And it is like that & it behaves like such. He asked me to read some books of the kinda after the retreat course. He also encouraged me to carry on as it was & moved on as what I had been doing accordingly even after each medetition retreat. "That is your own guiding teacher " he exclaimed! Indeed, I was very pleased & very convinced with his simple yet humble remark without any air of authority shown as a teacher or an instructor.
Other-times, I had been sitting solidly & stillness like a rock, yet at the same time I could be extremely sensitive, fresh & alert to any sensual organ of the body upon contact. For example, once, my body was gently touched around right hand arm by a yogi during a night meditation session perhaps a signal asking me to get ready for the night lecture & I was extremely sensitive & alert & sharp to the instant touching contact. Though I was sitting like a rock & couldn't or didn't move at all without any feeling or thought whatsoever as if I the person wasn't there at all, & of course I wasn't aware or known of it then, till the very moment-contact of body's touching sense arising. At instant, awareness arising & then I realised, even though my head, mouth, eyes or fingers couldn't move or at still state. Only after, then I began to know or realise I was still like a rock. It took quite a while & some intentional effort or exertion to move or exercise first my fore finger & then the rest of the fingers! That was amazing & wandered how it could be like that!?
One night, when I was sitting & I enountered my breathing got many kinds/types of sensations & phenomena, & then suddenly the breathing turned pretty short & seemed going to be jammed or stopped & I thought I was going to be breathless & collapsed & died for that moment. The moment I got panic, everything seemed back to normal again! My instructor smiled at me for being afraid of death. You wouldn't die so easily he said rather loudly! It is strange! And one very early morning while sitting, I was somehow watching my body, gradually, yes gradually & systematically & momentarily, began to disappearing or disintegrating from the lower middle part of the belly toward upward direction of my chest, just like I used to watch in the TV screen the kinda of momentarily & spontaneously disappearing or vanishing picture or phenomena. I was shocked & panic being experiencing this very unusual phenomena myself & thought I was going to be disappeared or missing from this world, then straight away everything back to normal again! Isn't it strange enough!?
Today, I am puzzling the statement of a wise man once said like this:- "if 'being' with the changing or destruction, no change or no destruction can be realised or found". Would I get panic again if I have a second chance, I wonder?
There were times when the choiceless meditation object automatically falling or rushing straight toward the noting mind or vice-versa. The choiceless object disappeared in no time at all upon in contact with the noting mind which seemed to be there whenever there is any object appearing or arising, yet the nature of noting mind could not be traced or tracked during those quiet & peaceful state of meditation period. Such that like as soon as the arising object appeared, the noting mind was there as if they appeared in pair as life-partner yet not at the same time not at same place too! Amazing & strange enough like the sorts of cat & mouse chasing game! The object seemed always shy away upon meeting or contact with the noting mind yet the "I" or "ME" or "SELF" seemed not involved personally at any of those phenomena at all. As a matter of fact, I wasn't sure where or who or what I was at that instant or particular moment or during those period! Only when I got shock, panic, fear or afraid that they immediately arrived in time to defend or protect my selfhoodness. It was really strange feeling only when I think about it at the later stage! The object that was arising here means any phenomenon such like itching, pain, ants crawling in the skin, intention, thought, mental image, feeling, lighting, tension, sound etc etc arising either from external or internal of our human being system. They just come & go in no time when the awareness or mindfulness (noting mind with consciousness) is very alert & sharp. If the mindfulness is not sharp enough, they may take sometime to subside or disappear. The noting mind actually is the knowing mind. This is my first taste of direct experience on mind over body & or mind over mind! The subjective here is actually NOT mean for the "I" "Me" or "SELF" that we normally call, which is like the thought or the feeling in our body & mind system. Here it means the noting mind, the awareness mind or mindful mind, the knowing mind or the consciousness. When there is no objective then there is no subjective, there is no one there or then. As soon as there is an objective arising, there is a subjective. This is what I mean here! It is the successive chains of cause & effect of principle. Here the "I" "ME" or "SELF" or "EGO" or whatever one likes to call or name, are the unchange or permanent identification of human being feeling or thinking concept. It got nothing to do with what I had been trying to express above during my Vipassana Meditation.
At times while sitting, whenever there is subtle itching or subtle pain or subtle discomfort or any sensation of any part of the body arising, if the noting mind sharp enough, they all would be disappear or vanish instantly upon contact (I mean the contact or meeting of objective & subjective). Sometime, a tiny bubble arising thought or intention can easily & actually be noted & it disappeared in no time. If I am not mindful enough, the pain or itching etc thus became enlarging & that big thing or event would then be difficult to overcome & need to use great effort & energy & enough time with patience to do so! When it is still at very baby stage, it is very easy to overcome with our mindful mind with much lesser effort. It is like auto-mode! There were times that only one very tiny point-object to note or observe such like a very delicate & soft cotton-sponge like or form, nicely & steadily & quietly to be noted or watched, but somehow just slippery to enter or penetrate into it no matter how. It seemed always very slippery whenever tried to dive or enter or penetrate into the soft cotton-sponge object. I had been wondering why? There were times while sitting or lying that a tiny tread of spot-lighting rushing toward my face & when I noted it, it instantly disappeared out of blue. I also reported to my meditation instructor that I could not or hardly fall to sleep during those meditation sessions, & if I did, only for two or three hours & I thought I had been sleeping throughout the whole night. He asked back, did I feel tire or headache or something painful or discomfort somewhere sometime? I answered, no! Why remarked or complained, then? Meditation is deeper than normal sleeping. Meditation is the kinda of similar to sound sleep without dream yet one remains extremely fresh alert & sharp. This is it! However, many times, when I started to think & analyse those happening phenomena, I lost all concentration & mindfulness & then I became restless & hence lost the momentum of the day's meditation.
After a few years since this first contact in VIPASSANA MEDITATION, I had managed to touch & learn a little bit of what had been transpired in my vipassana meditation practice so far, yet I know very well that the journey ahead of me is still a rather tough & winding one as I had not improved very much since then. However & somehow, I know what I am doing or what I am going to do. It is indeed a very interesting & eye-opening exploration journey yet it needs one's greatest effort with passion to cross over to the other shore. If persistent, I am confident that it will only be getting better & clearer......in gradually understanding & realisation of the truth nature in humankind living life. Each of us eat & each of us is surely full. There is no reason or impossible if one eats the other one is full, right? So, everyone is a holy book himself or herself & this is the best given gift on earth for all humankind. Please treasure it, read it & study it, but most of all, walk the talk or path, till only walking but no walker or only pain but no painer!
Practice make perfect! Take Care & Thank you!
